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May Robinson [userpic]

Blindsided

September 30th, 2010 (11:37 pm)
sad

where i am: alone with my thoughts
how i am: sad
accompanied by: silence

I don't know where to start. 

I took some pictures of Dyna yesterday. And some videos.

It was the nicest weather we've had in a few weeks and I'd gotten home early thanks to another dentist appointment (the crown on my root canal tooth was finally put in!) so I decided to spend some one-on-one time with her before taking Cannon to his PeeWee puppy class.

OMG is he a brat… quite possibly the worst behaved pup I've had in 20 years! Into everything, a chewer, a nipper, just plain trouble! But I still adore him, just hope I can survive him ;).

I've been remiss in taking photos of Cannon as he's been growing (and growing and growing!) but here's a couple from last night:

 

He'll be 3 months old on Saturday and not quite the baby anymore. I haven't weighed him recently but I bet he's already over 25 pounds!

And here are some of the pictures I took of Dyna last night: wagging her tail on the berm next to our driveway and grinning and playing on a pile of flagstone, determined she'll finally root out the chipmunk that inhabits it...

 

She's dying on me.

And it's only a matter of weeks, maybe even days.

I must've jinxed myself when I posted that picture of Boomer in my August 21st entry. I wanted another picture of him on my lj that wasn't going to be uploaded posthumously.  At roughly 3 months shy of 15, he's in decline and I have a hard time believing he'll see this coming winter through. I've been bracing myself, trying to ready my head and my heart for losing him. Priming myself too for the fact that Flurry and Kismet might follow him within another year or two.

Losing 8 year old Dyna wasn't even a blip on my radar.

She has advanced and aggressive lymphoma. We just got the diagnosis a week ago today. I had no real warning. Just her inability to keep in anything I fed her that first week we brought Cannon home (the first week of September). It could've been one of 3 things but with her drastic and sudden weight-loss over the next week, even while on meds and supplements, we were able to eliminate the least serious of the potentials pretty quickly. We and our vets knew it had to be something dire so next came a referral to OVC (Canada's equivalent to Cornell) and Dyna went in overnight for tests last Wednesday. I was hoping she had Lymphangiectasia, which is incurable, but something we could've treated and maintained with meds, steroids and a dietary change which could've bought us a few to possibly many more years. Her symptoms were text-book. Or so I thought. The blood-work and ultrasound were so conclusive though the doctors didn't even bother taking more money from me for an endoscopy or exploratory surgery. It was lymphoma. Period. Full stop.

So now all I can do is spoil her and give her the prescribed meds and steroids to keep her comfortable and wait and watch for something that tells me it's time to let her go. Despite a healthy appetite, she's dropped a lot of weight and will continue to do so. I know I have some friends and family who are concerned that I might be in denial, holding on too long. But, truth be told, I think letting her go now would be easier. No more waiting, wondering, and worrying. No more anticipation of a potential crash. No more second guessing. But letting her go now, to me, would be the act of denial. Denial that she's still extremely happy, playful and vibrant and very much alive.

Take a look at this from yesterday and tell me she's ready to go…


Or this one:



Though I love all my dogs, as I wrote about in my introduction to her back in 2008, Dyna has always been particularly special to me. She's lovable and adorable in her own right and, because she's also Tucker's grand-daughter and Ducky's great-great-great-grand-daughter, she's also the living, breathing embodiment of a 20 year love-affair with these amazing little terriers. And that she practically worships me to the exclusion of everybody else isn't making this any easier. Or maybe it is… I honestly don't know. I only hope that, when the time truly comes, I'll be worthy of that devotion.

Comments

Posted by: Not Quite by Firelight (tahirire)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
Dean

I'm sorry. :(

The one thing we always remind our clients is that as long as they are happy and playing and feeling ok, they think everything is normal. They don't worry about it, because they don't have the anticipation of death that we do. As long as she's still having great days, you shouldn't have to feel guilty about letting her have them. You love her, and you'll know when it's time.

*hug*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 04:02 am (UTC)
Dean WiaWSNB Tear

Thanks, sweetheart. I truly appreciate those thoughts and the reminder {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: deangirl1 (deangirl1)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)

Losing a year with my animals was the hardest part about being so far away. You know you are in my thoughts and you know I understand how hard this is for you. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. I trust that you will know.
*hugs*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:20 pm (UTC)
Dean hurting (closeup)

Thanks, hon. Give me a couple of weeks and hopefully I'll be feeling more social. I know you have entries I want to read and was looking forward to a phone chat one of these days.

I know you're thinking about us and I *really* appreciate it, Miss you! {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 05:58 am (UTC)
Sadie Bug

I'm so sorry hon. I remember the introductions to your wonderful animals. They truly are amazing! I think that if she's still having good days, then it's right to keep her with you. You'll know when the time is right. I'm glad that you shared all of them with us. You hang in there ok?
*Hugs you hard*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:23 pm (UTC)
Jensen Sexy Washed Out

Thanks, babe. I really appreciate your thoughts and sympathies. Give Sadie-bug an extra hug for me. Dyna's nickname is Bug or Bugling too. ♥

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 11:22 pm (UTC)
Sadie Bug

I hope you have a longer time with her. *Hugs you* I will do! Aww, that's so cool!
*Hugs you*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2010 03:20 pm (UTC)
Jensen 3.16 Biceps

Thanks, hon. I had her at the vet yesterday and her weight is actually up since her diagnosis. That means the prednizone she is on is helping for the time being. You take care! ♥

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2010 11:05 pm (UTC)
Sadie Bug

That's very encouraging! I'm so glad that it's helping right now!
Hang in there hon!
*Hugs*

Posted by: ErinRua (erinrua)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 06:20 am (UTC)
boat

Oh, my dear friend. I am so very sorry. My heart breaks for you.

I've been down this very same road, you see. Twice, if not three times. My old girl, Rose, left us at age 10, with lymphoma. Our 11 year old Dolly went just months later, same thing. When Dolly's older sister, Della, also failed we just ... made her comfortable, watched the days and finally said goodbye.

All I can say is, you'll know when it's time. In the meanwhile, Dyna will continue to delight and amuse you, and so long as she is happy and enjoying quality of life, it's okay. She knows neither fear nor dread anticipation. She just knows you and her family and your love.

Rose let us know by simply retiring. She withdrew, she grew thin, she grew quiet. Dolly did much the same, just quietly faded until it was clear she was simply too tired. It broke our hearts each time, but the decision was just there to be made.

So, try to find peace in her happy bounce, her silly smile, her boundless energy. Let her fill your heart. You'll know when it's time. You'll know.

*hugs you and holds so, so tight*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2010 03:33 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Ranger

Thank-you, lady. You are always so eloquent with your words and thoughts and these were beautiful and touching and very, very helpful. I remember you losing your girls and know you know what I'm going through. ♥

I have to admit I'm a little scared of facing this alone. The prednizone has her weight up a bit and she seems to be doing better than simply holding her own. Hubby's going to be away for his annual pheasant hunting trip the first week of November though and, there's that selfish/fearful part of me that wants to lose her before then if I'm not 'guaranteed' she'll see his trip through ::sigh:: I'm such a coward! I won't let her go before-hand though of course, not unless she's ready. In the meantime I *will* find peace in her happy bounce, her silly smile, her boundless energy. Letting her fill my heart is the easy part ;). Thanks again and give each of your furry beasts a head-scratch and a hug for me {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: saberivojo (saberivojo)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:13 am (UTC)

Oh I am so feeling your pain. I think I posted a month or so ago, my youngest has bladder cancer. Except for urination (everywhere) she seems okay. But I am so on the fence about putting her down. She looks okay but how long do I keep her around? I mean, she is stoic and doesn't really let us know how she is feeling. She is eating, but with less enthusiasm. She is on chemo (which upsets her stomach) and pills to stop the constant urination and pills to stop her upset stomach and acck... I just don't know.

In any case, I am sure you understand and you have counseled me about the same thing, but you'll know when you have to make that decision. You are right too, she looks happy right now, there is a lot to be said about that. She is eating, playing, enjoying her life. Love her! Oh and you are worthy of the devotion. Dogs don't lie, hon.

My heart breaks for you.

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
GIF Dean John Hug

Oh, lady, I've been so out of touch during this past summer I had no idea of your own turmoil and troubles. My heart goes out to you too. I hate that we're sharing this heartache and responsibility. I've always believed that this ability we have to choose the time is a gift, even if it is so damn difficult. But, sometimes it's a gift that comes way too soon and that makes it that much harder.

Dyna's weight is up since she's been on the prednizone and she's still as perky as in the videos. Her time, to my mind, is definitely not now. I have to admit I'm a little scared of facing this alone. With the prednizone helping, her time doesn't feel as imminent, though our vet who saw her yesterday still has counseled me that it will be soon. Hubby's going to be away for his annual pheasant hunting trip the first week of November though, and there's a selfish/fearful part of me that wants to lose her before then if I'm not 'guaranteed' she'll see his trip through to the end ::sigh:: I'm such a coward! I won't let her go before-hand of course, not unless she's truly ready. I just pray she doesn't leave me to handle it on my own.

My thoughts are with you and your furry critters and thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I know, at this difficult time for you, writing these words exposes your own wounds and grief. ♥ ♥ ♥

Posted by: Invisible Friend (el1ie)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:51 am (UTC)
roses

**HUGS**

Oh, hon, how absolutely devastating for you, my heart is with you.

I know we've discussed this before - when to let an animal go and I think we all know how huge this decision is, but no one else can judge this for you, there will come THAT singular moment and you and only you and her will know it when it comes, and no matter how much it hurts or what other people tell you, or how much you you don't want to make it, the decision will be made in that moment and it will be the right decision for all of you. If she's happy and still fighting and you know her better than anyone, then that's not denial, that's patience and love.

We can't deny it's hard, you know how much I hate doing it, but I do, deep down we know it's been the right decision when the time comes and it will be made from utter devotion on both sides and that's the only one that counts. It's coming, there's no stopping that, but there's still the next day, the next hour, don't miss those grieving now and as you've told me many times, never feel guilty for the gift of dignity and everlasting freedom.

We'll be thinking of you all, especially Dyna that great big lolloping handsome bundle of trouble of yours.



Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Tucker

Thanks, sweetheart. I know you've been here before, with an even younger one, so I know you understand. This is so unexpected which I think is making it that much harder for me. Cannon, though frustratingly demanding right now, will help ease the hurt. I'm just glad he arrived before I knew how sick she was. Otherwise I know I'd have pulled back from bonding like I did after we lost Cody and got Cooper too soon afterward. This big galoot has already won me over though so his presence, especially as our numbers continue to dwindle, will be oh so very welcome. {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: A. (vella_amor_dm)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 11:44 am (UTC)
dean sad

oh hun. i'm so sorry to hear that :(
*cuddles you*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC)
Dean Woobie

Thank-you ♥

Posted by: morganslady (morganslady)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 02:32 pm (UTC)

I'm so sorry!! I had a young girl(also 8) leave me before her time.. Dyna will let you know when it's time to let go.

As for Cannon being a brat,welcome to the club,if Mojo wasn't so damn loving,I'd have lost my mind with him,he's a BRAT(notice the caps) :)

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
John Shadow

I'm so sorry you had to lose one that soon too. I've been here before with some even younger ones but naively thought I was off the hook with this crew. I'm going to miss her so much.

Too bad Mojo and Cannon aren't close enough to meet. Maybe they'd burn off some of each others brattiness if they played together ;)

Thanks for the sympathies, dear lady. It helps to hear form someone who truly understands ♥

Posted by: phetch (phetch)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 02:58 pm (UTC)
b/w phetchpup

I'm so sorry to hear that- I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. All us dog owners know this pain and it still sucks. No one is more caring, loving, and knowledgeable about her pups, so don't ever doubt that your decisions will be exactly right. The vids made me smile- my old Kelsey was out chasing lizards out in the yard the morning before her time came.. they really have that living in the moment thing down :)

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:36 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Tucker

Thanks for such sweet comments, hon. I'm so glad you enjoyed the videos... that spirit/tenacity is soooo Dyna, I'm glad I had the wherewithal to record them. I still watch the one I made of Dempsey a year before we lost him and am so grateful I have it. I really need to do that with them all!

they really have that living in the moment thing down

They really do and thanks so much for reminding me of that ♥

Posted by: leelust (leelust)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 03:30 pm (UTC)

*hugs*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
Dean Vulnerable & Waking

Thanks, hon ♥

Posted by: (I am a rainwalker) (ultraviolet9a)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)

Oh babe, I'm sorry. :(

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:15 pm (UTC)
GIF Dean John Hug

Thank-you, lady. ♥

Posted by: nonniemous (nonniemous)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 08:56 pm (UTC)

Oh, that sucks! I'm so sorry!

:::::hugs:::::::::::::

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 1st, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
GIF Dean John Hug

I've been so absent since getting home from BC and this saga certainly has contributed. Hopefully in a few weeks time I'll be more 'social' again. Miss you {{hugs}} and thanks.

Posted by: shallowz (shallowz)
Posted at: October 2nd, 2010 06:25 pm (UTC)

Not in the place myself to read this given what the cut says. Just know I'm wishing you all the best and you enjoy the days you do have with her. Did see the last line. If they give that kind of devotion - don't question it. The four-legged ones are so much smarter than we are.

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2010 03:35 pm (UTC)
Boys CSPwDT Landscape

Thanks, hon. I totally understand. {{{hugs}}} and ♥