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May Robinson [userpic]

A holiday hello (and a sad goodbye)

December 26th, 2015 (01:22 pm)
crushed

where i am: home, with kids playing hockey outside
how i am: crushed
accompanied by: Tumble snoring

It's hard to believe a year has gone by since I've posted here. LJ's so much quieter than it used to be but I can't complain. I'm guilty of the same. I'm really not hanging out anywhere else -- I'm not on Twitter or Tumblr and still haven't joined Facebook though I think I might finally cave and do so in the coming months. We'll see.

I hope everyone that celebrates Christmas has had a happy one, or still will if you're in the midst of travelling to or hosting various family gatherings. We're heading out tomorrow for the hubby's family get-together. We spent yesterday with my family at my nephew's place about an hour away. His little boy Isaac is 3 1/2 now and they had a baby girl, Alana, in February so this was her first Christmas. Like her brother, she's adorable -- very different personalities already. Soooo cute. My sister is so thrilled to have a granddaughter. She of course loves Isaac but with my nephew being an only child and her first grandchild being a boy, she's relishing in having a baby girl to gush over LOL.

Today I'm on my own -- hubs and a few friends are out today in the field with their dogs and I shouldn't see him home until late afternoon. I've been desperate for this day to come. I've been in need of alone-time. That's where the goodbye comes. I needed time alone to grieve.

We lost Cannon to cancer 10 days ago. He was only 5. It was completely unexpected and I wasn't there to say goodbye and I've been dying inside but too damn busy with life and work to fall apart. Today I can. I am.


Our first sign that he wasn't feeling vibrant and healthy was when he threw up overnight in the very early morning of the 15th. He refused breakfast later that morning and his dinner too (and threw up again that evening). I slept on the couch that night so we'd have closer access to the outside if he had another bout but we made it through the night with Cannon curled up on the chair nearest to me. He'd clearly felt pretty awful and I'm glad he and I had a long session with him pressing his head up against my knee while I rubbed it before we each settled in for the night.

The next morning, hubs took him to work with the intention of getting Cannon into the vet whenever they could see him. I admit I'd had some worried thoughts in the back of my mind while I was plugging away at work (we'd lost Dyna if you recall to intestinal lymphoma a few years before) but, knowing Cannon's troublesome inclination to put anything and everything in his mouth and the sudden onset of his symptoms, we both suspected he'd swallowed something he shouldn't have. X-rays and ultrasound proved that theory right and aside from the whopping pre-Christmas surgical bill we were facing later that day, we both relaxed.

The surgery was scheduled for 4pm and soon after hubs got the first earth-jarring call. Yes, Cannon had swallowed 2 whole, still in their husk, walnuts but, worse was the large tumor they'd found in there too. Allison, our vet, didn't like the look of it but called hubs and then he called me and we decided even if removing it only bought us a few weeks to a few months, we wanted to. We'd both booked the week off between Christmas and New Years and we'd be able to spend that time with him and if nothing else, help give us time to get used to the idea we were going to lose him far too soon plus be there with him when it was time to say goodbye. With that decision made, the next call came about 20 minutes later. Once the excision was started, Allison found Cannon's insides were riddled with smaller tumors -- we gave the okay to let him go on the table and lost our second dog to intestinal lymphoma :(

Hubs did go there afterward and spent a little time alone with Cannon. I didn't. I was barely up to driving myself home from work. We picked up Cannon's ashes a few days ago and they're sitting on the mantel along with Dyna's, Flurry's and Kismet's. We haven't talked about it yet but I'm sure Wayne'll some day want to spread Cannon's ashes over the hunt fields of Dakota - where Cooper's can be found.

My eyes have been leaking since shortly after that first phone call and I had one loss of control sobbing fit the Friday after but I haven't wept like I wanted to. In part because I know hubby is hurting more than I am (oh, how Cannon worshipped his "da"). And I know today is going to be incredibly hard on him. He's out with his friends - working their dogs in the field and Cannon was supposed to be one of them. But his absence today gives me the chance to let go, to write this with tears streaming and nose running and wail if I need to. Even though I have my baby girl Tumble and my dad's Dorie as company (who are both 12 which brings on a whole other level of misery to "look forward to"), this house is so empty without my 80-plus pound always-in-trouble happy dork. He never grew out of being full of mischief and I'd bet he thought his full name was "For fuck's sake, Cannon!" but as often as he got scolded, he never made me angry -- because he always made me smile. I miss him so much. 


Here is a link to my introduction of Cannon from September 2010. Beneath that are a few memories from this summer when he was hanging out in the backyard with me...

Gone too soon... Cannon  July 2, 2010 to December 16, 2015
After stealing the cushion from Tumble's dog bed (a video link)...

Cannon clowning 8/9/15 #1
I know Tumble's missing him and I feel so bad that she doesn't understand. She barked herself hoarse while we were away visiting the family for Christmas yesterday. Having Dorie home with her just doesn't cut it for companionship :(

Cannon tipped the scales at over 80 pounds and Tumble weighs all of 14. They played constantly though and I worry that his absence is going to escalate her aging. She started to lose her hearing about a year ago and epithelial degeneration of the cornea is apparent in both eyes so blindness is in her future if she hopefully lives as long as her parents did. People look at how fit and perky she is though and are always shocked to find out she's 12. I know Cannon played a huge factor in keeping her young. Here's a video link of them back in March in my embarassingly messy/cluttered living-room...
Cannon & Tumble 03/15 #1

I promised Dorie and Tumble I'd take them for a long walk today and it's not going to get any warmer than it is now so I'd better get my butt in gear. I needed to write this first though, even if barely anyone is around anymore to read it. Thanks for listening.


Take care and I truly wish everyone a safe and happy new year.




Comments

Posted by: Invisible Friend (el1ie)
Posted at: December 26th, 2015 09:31 pm (UTC)
Button snow

Oh honey, I'm so sorry, (((())))

It's so hard to think that huge dorky bundle of fun has gone - 5 years is just not long enough. You must be devastated, we'll keep you all in our thoughts and his memory in our hearts. May the new year bring a better year for you.

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 10:24 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Ranger

Hey, lady and thanks so much for the condolences. I know you've been there and your empathy definitely helps.

I'm still teary-eyed at times but am a lot more functional this week. We're in the midst of packing up for a move and that has taken much of my focus. We've been in our house 25 years and though we've occasionally and even as recently as last year purged, we still have too damn much crap in this house. It's a daunting task and after almost a week of it, I feel like we're only about half way there. Back to work Monday though so tomorrow I'm going to have to put myself in turbo mode. I barely made a dent today (ran out of energy).

All the best to you and Button and thanks so much again for the sympathy. It is much appreciated {{{hugs}}}

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: December 27th, 2015 01:09 am (UTC)
Dean eyes closed hand on forehead

Oh hon, I am so sorry to hear this. I knew a week ago or so but just found your post on him. Hang in there ok? If you need to vent I am always here.
*Hugs you*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 10:18 pm (UTC)
Warrior: Hug

Thank-you, lady. I know you understand and that helps a lot. All the best to you and give Sadie an extra hug from me {{{hugs}}}.

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 11:06 pm (UTC)
Alec smiling

I will, I just gave her your hugs! She's been so vocal lately! It's been fun talking to her.
*Hugs you*

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 11:16 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Luna

I miss that. Cannon was soooo vocal. When we boarded him this summer, the guy that ran the kennel said he was the most vocal dog he'd had in that wasn't a sled-dog breed. He was always so talkative with a huge range of sounds. Dorie and Tumble don't really vocalize much, especially Tumble.

Thanks again!

Posted by: Late Night Drops of Random (moondropz)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 11:30 pm (UTC)
Sadie Bug

Sadie has always been vocal? But over the course of years she quietened down alot. But the past week or so she has been very vocal. I have missed that with her. Aw! Cannon was very special then!
*Hugs*

Posted by: heartlessbytchh (heartlessbytchh)
Posted at: December 27th, 2015 08:02 pm (UTC)

Im sorry about you losing Cannon. Its always hard losing a beloved pet. They truly are family members.

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 10:16 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Tucker

Thank-you for the sympathy. It really does help. All the best to you and yours in 2016.

Posted by: morganslady (morganslady)
Posted at: December 27th, 2015 09:22 pm (UTC)

I'm so sorry or your loss. It's hard enough losing a fur baby that you know is sick but one suddenly,give yourself a hug..
Sending you hugs,be well...

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 10:15 pm (UTC)
Terriers - Tuck Cody Window

Thank-you, lady. I know you understand and that helps. All the best to you and yours.

Posted by: phetch (phetch)
Posted at: December 28th, 2015 05:38 am (UTC)
b/w phetchpup

So heartbreaking- I'm so very sorry. Way too young but then it's always too soon :(

I feel terrible that you're living what I imagined... The phetchpup had been having trouble pooping and after a denial period unhealthy for her, I took her to the vet, found a rectal tumor, which he took out the 14th. In a stroke of luck I'm still a bit dubious of, the pathology was benign. I honestly don't know how I'd made it thru Christmas otherwise. You're a resilient gal.

On a lighter note, I'm still a Facebook holdout. Don't think there are too many others!

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: January 2nd, 2016 10:14 pm (UTC)

Hey, lady and thanks so much for the condolences. You know my thoughts are with you regarding the phetchpup's tumor and I truly hope the pathology got it right!!

I'm still teary-eyed at times but am a lot more functional this week. We're in the midst of packing up for a move and that has taken much of my focus. We've been in our house 25 years and though we've occasionally and even recently purged, we still have too damn much crap in this house. It's a daunting task and after almost a week of it, I feel like we're only about half way there. Back to work Monday though so tomorrow I'm going to have to put myself in turbo mode.

All the best to you and phetchpup and thanks so much again for the sympathies.